How Am I Doing? It "Depends."

I scarred my daughter (and myself) for life twice today. We broke the Sabbath. It's true. Olivia was outraged, yelling, "We do NOT go to Target on SUNDAY!" But this was an emergency. I had to go to Target to get - ahem - supplies. The regular stuff wasn't going to cut it. Call me crazy, but I'm treating this miscarriage like it's an earth-quake-sized natural disaster. I might be going overboard. But let's just say I spent some good time in the adult diaper aisle surveying my options. Olivia was completely confused as to WHY I was looking at diapers and asked me so - repeatedly. I don't remember my answers, but they were less than satisfactory. In the end, I did not buy adult diapers. But the linen guards (to protect my memory foam mattress), were Depends brand and took up 3/4 of my basket. They were obvious. Oh. So. Obvious.

And what happens when you have Depends in your basket? You bump into someone you know. Because nothing is more awkward than meeting a fellow Sabbath-breaking, male ward member in Target when you have DEPENDS in your basket. And I don't even have a close elderly family member to blame it on.

This is NOT to say, however, that I'm embarrassed by my miscarriage. I'm not embarrassed about it. (Yes, the Depends are embarrassing, but that's because they're typically for incontinent 70 yr olds). No, miscarriage is common. And the truth is, I want a break. I want an excuse. Today when I was getting bombarded with 10,000 requests for this, that, the other thing, I finally broke down and said, "listen. I don't want to think about these things right now. I take a month off. No criticism. I'm miscarrying a baby right now."

And they left me alone! It was wonderful. I know many people are sheepish about it. Some people are private. Sometimes it's too painful to talk about (*K.A.). I get it. I'm sorry if it makes people uncomfortable to think that women lose babies. Maybe because this implies that the woman yes, had sex, and is now losing the baby in a very menstrual-like way (albeit the menstruation from hell). But here's the thing: 50% of the world (or thereabouts) is female. Close to 100% of people (test-tube babies excluded), are the result of sex. These are every-day issues. So miscarriage is not a dirty, terrible secret. - It's a painful, crappy part of life, and by golly, if it means that I can have an excuse to say no to a musical number, missionary dinner, silent auction, service project, this week, I'm TAKING IT!