The answer is yes, I'm 10 weeks pregnant. The answer is no, it's not viable. It all started with the ultrasound, which weirdly enough, I predicted the outcome before the appointment. I spent hours agonizing over missed miscarriages (miscarriages with no symptoms), so when the doctor found a 5- week-old sac with no baby inside (had been absorbed back into the abyss of my monstrously large uterus), I cracked a joke and didn't shed a single tear. I knew it. I just knew it. I knew it when they handed me the booklet at my first prenatal appointment. I said to the nurse, "why are you giving me this? I'm only 8 weeks. I could miscarry." She told me to think positive. I knew it when I bought the maternity pants that I cannot find the receipt for. I knew it, and I still signed up for that stupid prenatal yoga class for $80, that I don't have the energy to cancel. Maybe I'll have Rob do it.
Over the weekend I fretted over whether it was, indeed, a true miscarriage, or whether the baby was hiding out away from the cameras. It's happened. But the hormones kept slipping, and the follow-up ultrasound was no better. Now I'm starting to see physical signs of miscarriage, including the loss of the nausea, spotting, etc. And so I have my answer.
To be honest, I'm okay. So far. Maybe it's the crazy before the crash, a-la-Charlie Sheen, but, I'm okay. I have shed a couple tears, mostly because the hubby is on a business trip and I'm tired and frustrated. I don't want to help Liv with her homework, and I don't want to wash the dishes. I've wanted to get to the temple, but think I should avoid so much white. White and miscarriage don't mix well. I stayed home today to ride out the storm, the brunt of which did not come. And so I wait, just knowing, that I'm going to fall over in agonizing pain during my immigration interview next week, while my clients and the immigration officer look on in horror - because that would be my luck.
Aw, Sarah, I'm so sorry. That stinks.
ReplyDeleteSarah, that's rotten! We will continue to keep you guys in our prayers.
ReplyDeleteOh, Sarah! I am so sorry. The waiting...that is absolutely agonizing. I haven't miscarried before, but early in my pregnancy with Garrett the doctors thought I was miscarrying (the ultrasound showed a placenta with no fetus). It took four horrendously long, miserable weeks for them to determine the pregnancy was viable. I wish your waiting had a happier ending. You're in my thoughts and prayers, my friend!
ReplyDeleteThat's terrible news. Definitely give Rob the job of cancelling the yoga class and then find yourself a nice big gf milkshake, okay? Milkshakes make so many things better. At least for a little while.
ReplyDeleteAs someone who has gone through this 3 times, I can completely sympathize with you. It is pretty much the worst thing ever. I hate to be the person to try and pull a silver lining out of this, but I am going to try anyway. I remember from some of your past posts that you were pretty sure you couldn't even get pregnant. At least you know you can! I had 1 after Taylie and 2 after Luke and somehow I am carrying a healthy pregnancy right now. It still amazes me to be quite honest. But at least you know you can still get pregnant and have the possibility. Some people don't even have that. (If you want to punch me in the face for that at a later date, I wouldn't blame you.)
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for your loss and I wish I could figure out the perfect thing to say to help you feel better, but I know there is really nothing. I am just so sorry, sweetie.
I never know what to say when these things happen, except that I am so sorry. When I had my ectopic pregnancy, the last thing I wanted to hear was everybody's stories about their experiences to show they understood, but maybe that's what other people need. I can only imagine that you must be going through a lot of pain, and that's not fun at all. You are in my prayers.
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