A New Year. A New Start.

My poor, neglected blog. I was so good for so many years. What happened? Really, I think the start of the law office tanked it, amongst other things. But I still love reading blogs. I still love writing blogs. And so, this new year deserves a new start.

So what do I have in mind for this new year?

1. We hope to adopt a baby through LDS social services.
2. Grow my business enough to hire staff. (you know, to run the business while I'm home with baby).
3. Exercise to manage anxiety (adoption and business).
4. Write something meaningful. At least article-length.
5. Stop complaining about how expensive it is to live in California. Really. I'm done. It's expensive, for sure, but we're doing just fine. And there are so many good things about this place that I want to enjoy them while we're making this our home (who knows how long we'll be here?)

Dear Mary Poppins, I Can Explain

Liv and I have been on one, long mommy-daughter date with Rob in Tampa this last week. Friday we literally went from school to a pizzeria to the mall and to IHOP. It was seriously a lot of fun. While walking through the mall, we stopped at Papyrus to purchase a very expensive holiday card.

I picked up a book from hilarious series entitled, "P*rn for women." I put the asterisk there just in case your offensive material filters try to block that word. Let me be perfectly clear: it's not as racy as it sounds. One of the pages features a man totally engaged while reading Pride and Prejudice. Another shows a man saying (while loading an antique chair into a car), "Antiquing makes me hot."

They are funny things. So I bought the book. And then I thought about it. The person for whom I was buying the book doesn't know me that well (Pat, if you're reading this it was not for Cara...maybe it was). Would she take offense? It's hilarious, to be sure, but maybe I didn't want to risk making the wrong impression. We're just starting to get to know one another.

I walked back to the store and told the clerk (a 30-something-laid-off-middle-management-now-working-retail-for-the-holidays-and-hating-life type of a man): "I changed my mind." He sighed and took the book from my hands. All the while, a perfectly polite and immaculately coiffed older woman was standing next to me, completing her transaction. She was just like Mary Poppins.

There was a screen right in between us, but facing her. When the clerk clicked on my book this is what appeared on the screen, in big, bold letters, "XXX PORN" Nothing like, "novelty book," not even, "humorous book." And while there were no Hustlers or Playboys in Papyrus, the woman's eyes grew big as she turned to me in horror. I did an awkward kind of smile and raised my shoulders in hopes of hiding my red face. I quickly filled out the section of the receipt that asks all of my personal information in case I'm a serial returner, and darted from the store.

So, Mary Poppins, it wasn't mine. It was a gift. For a friend. Yeah. And it wasn't porn. Not really. It just had Porn as the title. heh. heh. heh.

Are They Serious?

I got a kick out of this recent continuing legal education class description. It sounds -- entertaining. Wish I was in PA to go to it.

As the forces of evil marshal their ranks to destroy all that is good in the Kingdom of Prydain, author Lloyd Alexander calls upon an odd assortment of heroes to battle back the impending darkness. Join Professor Lee as he blends the adventures of real-life lawyers with Alexander’s journey through a magical land, inspired by Welsh mythology, to discover what a bard, a beast, and an assistant pig-keeper can offer real-life lawyers about the challenges, lessons, and rewards of their work.

Abstract Livism

Liv: Mom, I'm painting an abstract.
Me (wondering if she really knows what she's talking about): Liv, what did you paint?
Liv: Mom, that's why it's called abstract.

Blood Pressure

Watching the Phillies game. Cialis (like Viagra) commercial comes on. Liv turns to me and asks, "Mom, how's your blood pressure?"

Me: I don't think I have to worry about that.

I believe in open conversation, but I don't think I should have to explain ED to a kindergartner. Do they really have to have those commercials at 7 pm?

Sickies

We're a whole bunch of sickies around here.

On Wednesday night I was in a TON of pain. We read bedtime stories and I went to go rock on the floor. My legs were shaking out of control - like I was being electrocuted. It wasn't cycle time. I thought maybe it was my stomach. Pepto didn't touch the pain. Maybe an ovarian cyst? Who knows? But I couldn't shake the pain. Feeling slightly foolish - like if they tell me it's just gas pains I'm going to want to die - I decided reluctantly to go to the E.R.

We got Liv out of bed and took her to a friend's house. I got a blessing there from Rob and our friend, Adam. I still wasn't too worried, and I was walking just fine. I felt like a crazy person describing my pain. I couldn't pinpoint the source of the pain, I just knew it was my lower stomach. They thought perhaps I had kidney stones. Maybe I was pregnant (as if). So they ran all kinds of tests on me. Turns out - I had appendicitis. I wasn't crazy.

They took out my appendix at 4 am on Thursday morning. I don't remember knocking out (good thing), I do remember having an asthma attack coming out of the anesthesia (bad thing). It's not a good thing when you can see all of the O.R. staff "working on you," including the anesthesiologist. They were panicked. I couldn't breath. I panicked. They told me it was an anxiety asthma attack. I guess I made it out okay. I blacked out after the asthma attack, then woke to find Rob by my side. I was offended that they thought my anxiety had caused asthma, but it's a medical term, I suppose. My BODY was under anxiety and reacted poorly to the meds. Now that I understand, I'm not as offended. ;)

I spent the day on some serious drugs in a post-op sick ward. It was crazy. I could hear everything - hacking, gagging, chucking. I waited all day to eat real food (I was hungry). Their gluten free food was worse than dog food. They didn't have a phone or a tv for me, so I was really bored. But I had my phone! I made a whole bunch of phone calls I don't remember.
I tried to read, but the words were blurry. What's a girl to do? So I got outta there as soon as possible. I've been healing since. Rob's been taking care of me pretty well. I've tried to vacuum (I suppose that's a no-no) and play the piano (can't read blurry notes). Can't really do either. He has to yell at me. Mom and Laura have been yelling at me to relax from afar. I feel loved. Liv is fascinated with my wounds and happy to have an excuse to buy flowers and a CareBear card.

Then on Sunday night, Olivia started puking and pooping. It was awesome. Rob was unusually cranky when he woke up, so I ended up taking care of the puker. I'm hoping I don't start hurling myself. I might break some stitches. So she's been sucking on copious amounts of Gatorade. I've been hiding from her. Once when she was just about to chuck (as in pinching her cheeks closed), Rob yelled, "get your bowl!" but the bowl was right next to me. Scared that she'd puke on me, I threw the metal bowl at her. She was cool, picked it up and chucked in it. Mother of the year.

Livisms

Liv: Mom, I saw the most handsome boy at McDonald's. I'm going to marry him.
Me: What is his name?
Liv: I don't know. When we get married does he have to know my name?

Liv: Mom, what are calories?
Me: They're the energy stored in food.
Liv: Like in apples? Apples give us energy?
Me: Yep.
Liv: And noodles?
Me: Yeah.
Liv: I have a strawberry shortcake doll. SNIFFFFFFF. I can SMELL the calories.

Liv: Is Priesthood meeting just for boys?
Me: Yes. Do you have the Priesthood?
Liv: No.
Me (just for kicks): Why do boys have the Priesthood and not girls?
Liv: Because they have to teach the girls...
Me: I can see we have a lot to learn. *smile*