Dear Mary Poppins, I Can Explain

Liv and I have been on one, long mommy-daughter date with Rob in Tampa this last week. Friday we literally went from school to a pizzeria to the mall and to IHOP. It was seriously a lot of fun. While walking through the mall, we stopped at Papyrus to purchase a very expensive holiday card.

I picked up a book from hilarious series entitled, "P*rn for women." I put the asterisk there just in case your offensive material filters try to block that word. Let me be perfectly clear: it's not as racy as it sounds. One of the pages features a man totally engaged while reading Pride and Prejudice. Another shows a man saying (while loading an antique chair into a car), "Antiquing makes me hot."

They are funny things. So I bought the book. And then I thought about it. The person for whom I was buying the book doesn't know me that well (Pat, if you're reading this it was not for Cara...maybe it was). Would she take offense? It's hilarious, to be sure, but maybe I didn't want to risk making the wrong impression. We're just starting to get to know one another.

I walked back to the store and told the clerk (a 30-something-laid-off-middle-management-now-working-retail-for-the-holidays-and-hating-life type of a man): "I changed my mind." He sighed and took the book from my hands. All the while, a perfectly polite and immaculately coiffed older woman was standing next to me, completing her transaction. She was just like Mary Poppins.

There was a screen right in between us, but facing her. When the clerk clicked on my book this is what appeared on the screen, in big, bold letters, "XXX PORN" Nothing like, "novelty book," not even, "humorous book." And while there were no Hustlers or Playboys in Papyrus, the woman's eyes grew big as she turned to me in horror. I did an awkward kind of smile and raised my shoulders in hopes of hiding my red face. I quickly filled out the section of the receipt that asks all of my personal information in case I'm a serial returner, and darted from the store.

So, Mary Poppins, it wasn't mine. It was a gift. For a friend. Yeah. And it wasn't porn. Not really. It just had Porn as the title. heh. heh. heh.