And the answer is No. Or Yes.

The answer is yes, I'm 10 weeks pregnant. The answer is no, it's not viable. It all started with the ultrasound, which weirdly enough, I predicted the outcome before the appointment. I spent hours agonizing over missed miscarriages (miscarriages with no symptoms), so when the doctor found a 5- week-old sac with no baby inside (had been absorbed back into the abyss of my monstrously large uterus), I cracked a joke and didn't shed a single tear. I knew it. I just knew it. I knew it when they handed me the booklet at my first prenatal appointment. I said to the nurse, "why are you giving me this? I'm only 8 weeks. I could miscarry." She told me to think positive. I knew it when I bought the maternity pants that I cannot find the receipt for. I knew it, and I still signed up for that stupid prenatal yoga class for $80, that I don't have the energy to cancel. Maybe I'll have Rob do it.

Over the weekend I fretted over whether it was, indeed, a true miscarriage, or whether the baby was hiding out away from the cameras. It's happened. But the hormones kept slipping, and the follow-up ultrasound was no better. Now I'm starting to see physical signs of miscarriage, including the loss of the nausea, spotting, etc. And so I have my answer.

To be honest, I'm okay. So far. Maybe it's the crazy before the crash, a-la-Charlie Sheen, but, I'm okay. I have shed a couple tears, mostly because the hubby is on a business trip and I'm tired and frustrated. I don't want to help Liv with her homework, and I don't want to wash the dishes. I've wanted to get to the temple, but think I should avoid so much white. White and miscarriage don't mix well. I stayed home today to ride out the storm, the brunt of which did not come. And so I wait, just knowing, that I'm going to fall over in agonizing pain during my immigration interview next week, while my clients and the immigration officer look on in horror - because that would be my luck.

So Much to Say...

There's so much I want to say. But for now I'm keeping my mouth shut. I've been driving myself crazy with the unknown over the last few days (which isn't too new - just newer intensity).

Have you ever found yourself trolling the internet looking for the answer, knowing that it's not going to be there, but you keep looking anyway? That's how I feel. I can deal with a "yes" or "no," but not knowing is absolutely killing me. And so I pass along the torture by writing this vague post, hoping that you'll hang with me long enough to get the answer. Loves. -S

Should I Be Impressed?

I was riding the train into the city the other day, and this guy sat down next to me. I love the train. I often meet nice people, and have nice conversations. But I also have this ability to attract creeps. It's a life-long ability, actually, and it started when I was 14. Actually, Lindsay, when did we go to the Statue of Liberty? And was that me or was that my mom that attracted the one-legged cowboy stalker?

We were in McDonalds and I was preparing for my flight to Florida. A biker dude turned around and looked me up and down like I was a tasty Big Mac. Now for a guy to do that to a grown woman, maybe it would be less creepy. But a 14 yr-old with AA boobies? Def. creepy.

Another time - okay I'm seeing a pattern here - I was in Wendy's. I was 16 at the time. I had 2 elderly deaf men near me. One standing in front of me, the other behind me. They were signing back and forth and saying in very loud voices how attractive I was. I'll keep it cleaner than they did.

Home Depot - hippy man wouldn't give me a shopping cart until I hugged him. He was 60. I was 16. I call that creepy.

BYU - I was wearing clogs. It started to rain. A guy approached me a little too concerned about my wet, cold feet. And they weren't that wet. I flashed my engagement ring. See ya. I don't have sexy feet. I have Flintstone feet. Anyone interested in my feet needs to leave.

USU - again the clogs. Again the rain. Again another guy overly concerned about my feet and well-being. A flash of the wedding ring as I exited the shuttle shaking my head.

Pittsburgh - Pumping gas. Very sexy. Thug guy looks over. Shows me his new phone. It has music coming from its little speakers. Poor sound quality. Asks me where I'm from. Wants me to be very impressed with the phone. I am not. I finish pumping gas a little early and leave.

Oakland, CA - guy follows me from the BART station to the office of a non-profit I worked for. Telling me how sexy I am. Wanting to keep me warm. Loves my hair. I don't like that he's been following me for a block. I start a little run, and escape into the office.

BART yesterday - Thuggish Guy gets on and asks me about what exit to take. I tell him. Then he changes his mind. He wants to go to the airport instead. Says he has a flight to catch. Asks me if I work at the airport, because I look like I work at the airport. Forgets that I just overheard him saying he'd meet a friend in East Oakland (a.k.a. worst neighborhood ever) I tell him I don't. I get people green cards - no way I'm telling this Thug I'm a lawyer. He takes off his sunglasses to give me full eye contact, which I decline. I munch on my little gf pretzels and look out the window. Talking flatly. Wants to talk about his uncle's case. About his visa expiring. It's obvious that he's just trying to talk to me more, because the facts of his uncle's case are far from believable. Tells me he's not from the flats, but from the highlands. Also tells me he's very religious. He goes to the Mormon Temple up on the hill every Sunday. "really?" I say. Wondering if I should contradict him. I decide not to. This guy was way too huge to contradict. And I add another one to my list. My question to you, readers, and to myself, "Do people really fall for this crap? Because if they do, they're seriously desperate."

Snow in San Francisco

Liv is sad that it doesn't snow around here. I miss winter wonderland scenes, but I don't miss driving in the mess. But I saw this interesting article showing that it has, in fact, snowed in San Francisco. It just doesn't happen very often. I'm not telling Liv, though, because girl friend would drive me crazy asking me every day if today was going to be the day when it snowed. Chances are, it won't be.

SF GATE

LOVE THIS.

In the event that you are a more strict about your Sabbath observance than my die-hard Pittsburgh Steelers fan household, I had to pass along this commercial that made me chuckle so hard. Enjoy.

The Great Unknown

Well, it's that time again. Time when we don't know what's going to happen in the next year or so. Rob's job is a temporary one, with an end date in sight. So applying has begun. I hope we stay right here. SACRILEGE! I know, Northern California has grown on me. Expensive as it is, I like it. I throw down roots more quickly than I used to. It's no use hating the place in which you live - you might as well love it. While the distance to my family might be oh-so-unbearable at times, it also comes in handy during those family drama moments. :)

My life is also the great unknown. We have our first adoption meeting this upcoming week. It's taken forever to get the process rolling, and I think it has. And after not being able to get pregnant for the last I-don't-know-how-many-years, I wonder if I'll get pregnant right after we pay the $1,000.00 non-refundable deposit. It's happened to at least 2 of my friends. And then what? How do I function as an attorney with a new born? I don't know. I'll tell you what, though, I met a woman last night who is a LDS attorney with 6 kids. She said she could handle working part time until she had the 4th. She's taking a break right now (which I haven't ruled out). She's my hero. I can't even imagine.

Liv is hilarious as always - the epitome of drama. I ruin her life on a regular basis by doing things like picking her up from school (yesterday when . Oh, and then there was the time I made her toast for breakfast, and she wanted cereal. Or was it the other way around? Tears and more tears. And just yesterday she said she wanted to go to the park. I had the bright idea of calling a friend's mom to see if I could arrange a play date. But Liv wouldn't stop talking and yipping at me, so I went into my bedroom while I made the call - locking the door behind me. Not knowing what I was trying to do, she stormed to her room and wrote on Magna Doodle posted conveniently outside the door, "NO MOM!" I don't know if I like her writing. I should have kept her back.

A New Year. A New Start.

My poor, neglected blog. I was so good for so many years. What happened? Really, I think the start of the law office tanked it, amongst other things. But I still love reading blogs. I still love writing blogs. And so, this new year deserves a new start.

So what do I have in mind for this new year?

1. We hope to adopt a baby through LDS social services.
2. Grow my business enough to hire staff. (you know, to run the business while I'm home with baby).
3. Exercise to manage anxiety (adoption and business).
4. Write something meaningful. At least article-length.
5. Stop complaining about how expensive it is to live in California. Really. I'm done. It's expensive, for sure, but we're doing just fine. And there are so many good things about this place that I want to enjoy them while we're making this our home (who knows how long we'll be here?)